It seems the only place of solace these days is the shower. My mom comes over to help with the kids while I work and before she leaves I get in a few minutes of solitude. No kids bothering me I grab whatever beverage I feel like, which lately seems to be a truly, hop into the shower and just sit on the floor. Most of the time I cry since I am alone and nobody is knocking on the door begging for a snack. Sometimes I over analyze all the conversations, the moments that have been had over the last 11 years with my husband. This separation from my husband has made me more tired than I have ever been before, even with two kids and a full time job.
I have bought books on going through a tough time, read blogs, asked for advice but nothing seems to really feel good except that small time in the shower. Maybe it’s the water running over my face or the peace and quiet I experience but I feel like I can finally breathe. No one is asking me questions, my brain isn’t focused on work or what I need to pack for school lunch tomorrow. I can just sit there and zone out. It is almost like my fortress that nobody can enter, it has become my mommy time that I so desperately need.
I am not one to shy away from crying in front of my kids as I feel it is ok to show emotion. However I am uncertain of what lies ahead and I do not want to invite more questions when I do not have the answers. For now I will grab whatever beverage I need sit down in that shower and do whatever is necessary for me to be present for them.
As moms we have this persona we are supposed to uphold for our kids. Be strong, brave and put on a good face because they are more important than what is going on. This is true they are the most important thing but at the same time you can’t pour from an empty cup. I once was getting a massage and they asked me about my life and stress. I shared I was a mother of two and have a hard time learning to relax. The masseuse said, “You can’t pour from and empty cup”. That phrase has stuck with me and during these moments of space from my significant other I have realized it’s time to put myself first.
Until things are figured out and probably after I will continue to sit in the shower and allow myself to feel and breathe.
xoxo Shannon
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