The “D” word as I like to refer to it because saying Divorce sounds so scary and final is hard to fathom let alone say. Sometimes when you have lost all hope and faith you don’t know where else to turn except to the “D”word. My husband and I were sitting at our kitchen island a month or so ago and had said ok we’re going to get divorced. We both had felt it was better for the short/long term. So much had happened to lead up to those words. When we said that word I felt confident as if it was a business meeting and we had finalized an issue we could no longer figure out. At the same time my heart had sunk, 11 years just thrown into the trash and here it comes splitting up holidays, shuffling kids during the week. Was this really how this was supposed to feel?
I was laser focused on not crying because I had spent the month prior barely hanging onto life. I thought if I didn’t cry that meant I was ok with this. A day or two passed and it was weird while I felt relief having finally figured out the unknown I had moments where I would sob and feel like this wasn’t how this was supposed to happen. What will happen to the kids, my oldest I feared would be broken and I am ruining her life. Sure people split up all the time but that doesn’t make this any easier. My thoughts kept shifting from ok this is happening to I feel we will end up back together down the road. I didn’t think this was the end but just part of our story.
My husband was over one night putting the kids to bed. After we were discussing things about the kids he said he didn’t want a divorce. I was puzzled, dumbfounded because we just agreed thats what was happening moving forward so what changed? My husband just did not think this was right, there is so much love between us and why not try to move past issues if we can. I stopped for a moment, thought to myself speak up you know what you want and need so don’t be afraid to ask for it. I told my husband this would be a long road, therapy individually and together, learning to communicate better, more quality time and respect. The saying is, “Time heals all wounds”. Maybe this would be true for us maybe after some time we could be in a better place.
I never knew what I needed or wanted until we had separated for the small timeframe. It’s almost like that separation gave me the confidence I needed to not waver on what was best for me. Sure I ugly girl cried in the shower thousands of times, queue the place of solace I wrote the other day. I thought to myself if things can change, really change for the better and our family can stay together then let’s give it another shot. So the “D” word got shelved for the time being.
After the dust had settled my husband took me on a date. It was like that first night when we talked for hours, my heart was fluttering I felt so in love again. Hand holding, opening doors for me, conversation without cellphones it was like the past. I had forgotten about what had gone on and just tried to be present to see if we could remember why we fell in love in the first place. A few weeks went by and I was ready for him to move back home. Being completely honest I was scared, 💯. I wasn’t over everything that had gone on but I knew if I was going to give this a shot I would need to wipe the slate clean. Don’t get me wrong lots of therapy would be needed because letting go of hurt and pain is hard to do on your own. Was I terrified things wouldn’t work and I would be sobbing in the shower again, of course. I also had an inkling of hope that maybe with lots of love, effort, respect and patience this could work. Maybe that separation was the best thing to happen to us.
Now this is only one sided I am telling my story and nobody else’s. I am sure my husband has his own thoughts and opinions on this subject but this blog is for me. This is almost an outlet for me to process, feel and understand what I am going through and ultimately share how I got through it. Nothing will happen overnight unlike how us millennials want instant gratification. It’s almost like the “D” word has made each of us take a step back and see what’s been missing and what needs to happen moving forward. This won’t be easy, I will have ugly cry days, angry days and days where I may not know what we’re doing. There is no rule book on how someone deals with this. It is up to my husband and myself to create our own narrative for how we want our story to pan out.
XOXO Shannon
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