Author: swmyska

You know when the lava monster jumps out in the Moana movie? Picture I am the lava monster and Moana is my children. When I become that monster I know it’s time for me to take a break. I have never been good at taking breaks or taking them prior to exploding. It’s normal for us moms to get burnt out, the mental load of Motherhood is exhausting. Wether you’re a stay at home mom, work away from home mom it doesn’t matter. We are those memes where you’re covered in spit up, both kids are fighting, the laundry mound is so big it’s taken up half of a room.

I have lately been trying to remind myself once a week to do something for me. I love to get my nails done, have a long bath with nobody interrupting me. Sometimes I love to go shopping at Target because hello it’s Target! I can’t expect anyone to take care of myself so I need to make sure I do it. I tend to get agitated easily and can snap at any given moment. I wait till the last possible moment to think when was the last time I took a break.

What does the mental load of motherhood look like? Picture an octopus with all of their arms and each arm is a task that mother needs to do. Chef, Chauffeur, nurse, cleaning lady, referee for fighting are just a few. This is what happens when you become a parent though, the two year old can’t make their own Pediatrician appointment. The seven year old can’t drive themselves to Dance. The list of tasks can go on and on and I know my list can get overwhelmingly long and I often wait till it’s so long I am anxious about it.

I don’t know about anyone else but I have never been good at multitasking. I am either really amazing at keeping up with laundry or the kids have baths everyday there is no in between for me. I know Instagram puts on a facade of a really clean photo where the mother is smiling drinking her coffee. Behind that photo is a room full of laundry, dishes in the sink, so many toys. Seriously where do all the toys come from? I swear there is someone making them in my closest and just keeps putting them out while we are all sleeping. Either that or I am shopping at Target in my sleep, both of which are very possible.

I think learning, grasping and tackling the motherhood load is almost a waste of time. Once you have a clean house, no dishes, no laundry something else will come in to throw it out of wack. Personally I need to learn to relax like relax in a big way. I need to learn to leave the dishes, don’t stress folding the laundry or picking up the toys. I don’t know why I feel like it needs to be done right away. It is almost like I have an irrational fear something will go wrong if the dishes aren’t done.

NEWS FLASH: Life will continue no matter how many dishes are in the sink, how much laundry is needing to be done. Kids will grow up, relationships will continue on and it will pass you by if you don’t learn to take time for yourself. Seriously someone just slap me and tell me to take a CBD gummy and chill out.

Take that bath, drink excessive amounts of wine, go for a walk and for the love of god leave the dishes in the sink. Enjoy some time for yourself and make sure to take care of your mental health because that is the most important thing.

XOXO Shannon

The “D” word as I like to refer to it because saying Divorce sounds so scary and final is hard to fathom let alone say. Sometimes when you have lost all hope and faith you don’t know where else to turn except to the “D”word. My husband and I were sitting at our kitchen island a month or so ago and had said ok we’re going to get divorced. We both had felt it was better for the short/long term. So much had happened to lead up to those words. When we said that word I felt confident as if it was a business meeting and we had finalized an issue we could no longer figure out. At the same time my heart had sunk, 11 years just thrown into the trash and here it comes splitting up holidays, shuffling kids during the week. Was this really how this was supposed to feel?

I was laser focused on not crying because I had spent the month prior barely hanging onto life. I thought if I didn’t cry that meant I was ok with this. A day or two passed and it was weird while I felt relief having finally figured out the unknown I had moments where I would sob and feel like this wasn’t how this was supposed to happen. What will happen to the kids, my oldest I feared would be broken and I am ruining her life. Sure people split up all the time but that doesn’t make this any easier. My thoughts kept shifting from ok this is happening to I feel we will end up back together down the road. I didn’t think this was the end but just part of our story.

My husband was over one night putting the kids to bed. After we were discussing things about the kids he said he didn’t want a divorce. I was puzzled, dumbfounded because we just agreed thats what was happening moving forward so what changed? My husband just did not think this was right, there is so much love between us and why not try to move past issues if we can. I stopped for a moment, thought to myself speak up you know what you want and need so don’t be afraid to ask for it. I told my husband this would be a long road, therapy individually and together, learning to communicate better, more quality time and respect. The saying is, “Time heals all wounds”. Maybe this would be true for us maybe after some time we could be in a better place.

I never knew what I needed or wanted until we had separated for the small timeframe. It’s almost like that separation gave me the confidence I needed to not waver on what was best for me. Sure I ugly girl cried in the shower thousands of times, queue the place of solace I wrote the other day. I thought to myself if things can change, really change for the better and our family can stay together then let’s give it another shot. So the “D” word got shelved for the time being.

After the dust had settled my husband took me on a date. It was like that first night when we talked for hours, my heart was fluttering I felt so in love again. Hand holding, opening doors for me, conversation without cellphones it was like the past. I had forgotten about what had gone on and just tried to be present to see if we could remember why we fell in love in the first place. A few weeks went by and I was ready for him to move back home. Being completely honest I was scared, 💯. I wasn’t over everything that had gone on but I knew if I was going to give this a shot I would need to wipe the slate clean. Don’t get me wrong lots of therapy would be needed because letting go of hurt and pain is hard to do on your own. Was I terrified things wouldn’t work and I would be sobbing in the shower again, of course. I also had an inkling of hope that maybe with lots of love, effort, respect and patience this could work. Maybe that separation was the best thing to happen to us.

Now this is only one sided I am telling my story and nobody else’s. I am sure my husband has his own thoughts and opinions on this subject but this blog is for me. This is almost an outlet for me to process, feel and understand what I am going through and ultimately share how I got through it. Nothing will happen overnight unlike how us millennials want instant gratification. It’s almost like the “D” word has made each of us take a step back and see what’s been missing and what needs to happen moving forward. This won’t be easy, I will have ugly cry days, angry days and days where I may not know what we’re doing. There is no rule book on how someone deals with this. It is up to my husband and myself to create our own narrative for how we want our story to pan out.

XOXO Shannon

I stand in my bathroom turning off the sink and my beautiful three stoned wedding ring catches my eye. I remembered someone telling me the meaning behind the three stones, past, present and future. I immediately think back to when I met my husband. We were twenty two years old, babies and met while working together at a restaurant. I was a young, shy waitress who found this line cook to be the cutest thing ever. We went out for drinks one night with work friends and ended up talking for a long time. That Margaritas parking lot was where our love story would begin.

First dates are always nerve racking, will he kiss me, how much food do I eat, do I make eye contact with him. There he was in my driveway in his white Camry picking me up to go to lunch. I had tried on about a closets worth of clothes for that first date and was so nervous but yet excited. After lunch we took a walk where he politely asked to hold my hand and for some reason I knew I would end up marrying him. I was not sure if it was his charm, goofiness or the fact that I just felt that and when you know you know right?

“Mommy, mommy can I have a snack? “My mind snaps back to the present where my son is asking me for a snack.

Presently my husband and I have two kids a six year old and almost three year old, we both have full times jobs and have been married for almost seven years. Quarantine has not been easy for everyone and that includes my husband and myself. My husband owns a restaurant and that takes a lot of time away, me having been in the restaurant industry prior I knew this was expected but did not know how hard it would be with a family. I have heard people say quarantine will either break your relationship or grow it and that is still to be determined for us.

My husband and I have gone through many conversations over the last few months of expectations, realities and what is needed from one another. About two months ago I had to ask my husband to go stay elsewhere, many things had been leading up to that point and I was at my limit. Like I said quarantine has not been easy on us. The last two weeks I have found out more about my relationship/partner than I ever knew in almost eleven years together and I have to admit it has turned my world upside down. Working a full time job, having two kids, a marriage that I do not know the future of has definitely caused me to feel things I was not expecting to ever feel.

I think back to dating my husband, how much fun we had, the adventures we took, the times we spent together and no where did I see our future being called into question. I looked to the future saw kids, a house one day, great jobs, enjoying time with my best friend. I thought marriage would be difficult of course but I thought I would have a best friend, partner in crime to help go through the ups and downs. Somewhere along the way my husband became a stranger and not the best friend I thought he would be, he had checked out.

I admit growing up I had a very specific way of how married couples would be. I had great examples around me that showed me what my future should hold. We would agree on finances, have the same values, parent our children the same, want to spend all the time together. I realize now I was naive and expected our relationship to be perfect and thought it would be easier than it has been.

I looked back down at my ring still sparkling, shining and I wished so badly that was me right now, a flawless diamond with a bright future. I couldn’t help but remember the three parts of the ring, I know my past, I am working on my present but what does my future hold?

Blogs can be anything someone wants it to be, for me I always wanted to have a hobby as well as wanting to help someone who goes through the same struggles. I could share with you how I handled the pandemic with kids, how much they ate, how much electronics we allowed them to have but that would be everyone out there. I am here to be raw, vulnerable, honest and share my world with you which terrifies me because I too am human and do not want to be judged. This will not be easy for me or those around me but I want to share it with you to possibly help someone else going through a tough time as well as guide me into what my future will be.

XOXO Shannon

It seems the only place of solace these days is the shower. My mom comes over to help with the kids while I work and before she leaves I get in a few minutes of solitude. No kids bothering me I grab whatever beverage I feel like, which lately seems to be a truly, hop into the shower and just sit on the floor.  Most of the time I cry since I am alone and nobody is knocking on the door begging for a snack. Sometimes I over analyze all the conversations, the moments that have been had over the last 11 years with my husband. This separation from my husband has made me more tired than I have ever been before, even with two kids and a full time job. 

I have bought books on going through a tough time, read blogs, asked for advice but nothing seems to really feel good except that small time in the shower. Maybe it’s the water running over my face or the peace and quiet I experience but I feel like I can finally breathe. No one is asking me questions, my brain isn’t focused on work or what I need to pack for school lunch tomorrow. I can just sit there and zone out. It is almost like my fortress that nobody can enter, it has become my mommy time that I so desperately need. 

I am not one to shy away from crying in front of my kids as I feel it is ok to show emotion. However I am uncertain of what lies ahead and I do not want to invite more questions when I do not have the answers. For now I will grab whatever beverage I need sit down in that shower and do whatever is necessary for me to be present for them. 

As moms we have this persona we are supposed to uphold for our kids. Be strong, brave and put on a good face because they are more important than what is going on. This is true they are the most important thing but at the same time you can’t pour from an empty cup. I once was getting a massage and they asked me about my life and stress. I shared I was a mother of two and have a hard time learning to relax. The masseuse said, “You can’t pour from and empty cup”. That phrase has stuck with me and during these moments of space from my significant other I have realized it’s time to put myself first.
Until things are figured out and probably after I will continue to sit in the shower and allow myself to feel and breathe.

xoxo Shannon